Pnårp’s April, 1999 piffle & babble

The man who talked way too much

Splattered on April 4, 1999

Tags: death, foxes, Y2K.

The man who talked way too much was killed Tuesday. He was dead. Dead, and wrapped in a purple blanket of some sort. If only he could’ve figured out how to use his contingency plans…

Wow. Y2K is coming!!! I actually saw something over here. Some kind of file, or document, or something like that—but completely different. The telephone’s ringing; I have to smash it with a feather or it will stop ringing. I answered it and a person said to me, “Two point seven one eight two eight one eight two eight four five nine oh four five, now repeat after me.” A brown or red fox spoke next, repeating the series of numbers, but that was the end of it all. The box exploded, my meal was ruined, the phone melted back into the desktop, and I sat there watching it all. What a Sunday.

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Am I lost!? Am I low on oil!?

Hydrogenated for April 11, 1999

Tags: AK-47, death, dogs, feces, pi, screaming stars, urine, Mister Wilson.

Say something! Lycos!! What should I be writing!? Should I be writing something!? Does the dog know!? Does the cat know!? Do the screaming stars know?! Or the clouds!? Or my dead neighbor, Mr. Wilson!? Stop talking! Stop writing! I cannot think like this! Stop saying, “A flying pi is at your window”! I know it is there! How do you think it got there!? By crawling along the baseboards, or the rafters, or the garnering-poles?! Do you think it got there by coming in through the trash compactor!? Is there a T34 tank in my back yard!? Is there an AK-47 on my roof!?

I cannot continue like this!! Could you!? Do you know!? Do the screaming stars know?! Or the clouds!? Or my dead neighbor, Mr. Wilson!? Stop talking! ¡Cállate! Stop writing! This whole week sucked!! I cannot think like this! Am I lost!? Am I low on oil!? Is my engine going to heat up and seize up!? Will the tank explode!? Will my car!? Why am I asking you!? I should be asking the 600-year-old man sitting on the fire hydrant! I should! I will!

I keep hearing the stars scream and rant! All week!! I’m traveling to Nijni Novgorod tomorrow, for their wonderful fairs! Help me! Am I here!? Why am I staring directly at the sun!? Now I should be looking at the seventh planet of Eta Virginis, where those aliens took my seven piles of animal feces and fifty-seven jars of urine! Yes! That is what I should be doing! I should not eat an entire roomful of potato chips!

Stop staring at me!!!

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A glass was sitting on my desk

Masticated on April 18, 1999

Tags: Alyssa Milano, singing spiders.

This Monday, a glass was sitting on my desk, which gave me a great idea.

I got up and walked out the door, planning on employing my “idea.” Of course it didn’t work. Nothing ever works. Neither does Alyssa Milano. This didn’t even work before I actually tried it. I stopped trying by Wednesday. Will it be there? I saw the letter B on my toe. Since 1947, there has been a small piece of cement placed on top of the roof of the house across the street from where I live. The spiders are singing. No one’s ever taken the piece of cement down either.

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In the ground underneath my house

Drawn up for April 25, 1999

Tags: Mister Wilson.

I cannot say much about this week, for I am trapped in a hole in the ground underneath my house. That stupid neighbor, Mr. Wilson, put me here. Eat what you want. That gives me all the confidence—I do think so. A newspaper called out my name, and I had to leave.

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