Pnårp’s January, 2006 hotdogs & warthogs
| Tarpapered over on January 1, 2006 |
| Schmongeled under January 8, 2006 |
| Copulated after January 15, 2006 |
| Placed next to January 22, 2006 |
| Put out on January 29, 2006 |
368,000 firecrackers and a butcher shop
Tarpapered over on January 1, 2006
Tags: feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt, cockroaches, death, gnomes, Leviticus, pwee.
Happy new year, boys and girls!
Happy nude year, toys and twirls!!
Happy Snood year, ploys and burls!!!
The fireworks last night made the lawn gnomes scatter like so many golden cockroaches caught in the stark brightness of a Klieg light. I saw my chance, and I took it—I shot them all with a fork and spoon manufactured by Spork & Moon, Inc., of Secaucus, New Jersey, then stole their Levitican squealing-wheels and beat them all to death with them (the wheels), going “Pwee, pwee, pweedle-deedle deee!!” the whole time. My neighbors didn’t hear a thing! Now, to hide the thousands of tiny little bodies…
When that business was finished, I went out and found some genuine live golden cockroaches to decorate my house with, and perhaps to make a stew with, if there were enough left over once I finished tarpapering my walls with their chitinous shells. A local butcher shop (Szczerbiaszowicz & Smith) sold me fifteen bushels of them, all for 85¢! Apparently no one wants golden cockroaches but me, Pnårp.
I only had about six square inches of my house’s walls tarpapered with golden cockroach shells before a fresh batch of garden gnomes returned: about 368,000 of them (the same number of firecrackers I set off in my back yard last night), all at once, pouring in the windows and down from the rafters—coming out of the electrical sockets, up from the cracks in the floor, and through the holes in my ceiling—slithering between the slender, pink toes of Jennifer Love Hewitt’s bare feet—coming through the plumbing, bumbling and stumbling, grumbling and fumbling with their little hats, rumbling and mumbling, and doing square dances on my shag carpet.
And I still don’t even know if they’re lawn gnomes, or garden gnomes…!!
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Schmongeling Gnomes from Westphalia?
Schmongeled under January 8, 2006
Tags: feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt, gnomes.
They’re all Westphalian Schmongeling Gnomes (Gnomus schmongelendi westphalici). A big one named Trûmglor enlightened me before disappearing down a pinstriped hole he had carved into the ground. I knew it, I knew it, I just knew it! Schmongeling Gnomes! Real Schmongeling Gnomes—from Westphalia!
At least Jennifer Love Hewitt’s feet are safe from them—for now.
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She isn’t dead!
Copulated after January 15, 2006
Tags: feet, death, geese, pheasants, sex, underdogs, Countess-Prelate, Genevieve.
I found out this week that Regina Maria-Theresia Louisa Ilsa Ollanthorpe, Countess-Prelate von Sträsmussenbörg, isn’t dead at all. She’s quite alive (ohhh, very, very alive), and doesn’t think of me as an ass anymore, although I still think she blames me for the trampling death her husband suffered at the hands of—or rather, under the feet of—six rip-snorting underdogs back in 1999.
So on Friday, I paid her a little visit—and had a lot of sex with her! An awful lot! It was fun.
And on Saturday morning, I had a lot of sex with her daughter’s pet goose! That was less fun, and the goose was noisy and honked a lot—like a truck. The Countess-Prelate is a lot prettier than the goose—especially her tiny, delicate feet—but see if people can ever accuse me of screwing a pheasant again! I only screw geese now! The Countess-Prelate’s geese.
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Busy this week!
Placed next to January 22, 2006
Tags: geese, sex, Countess-Prelate.
Nothing to write about this week, dear readers—Pnårp’s still busy screwing the Countess-Prelate and her geese like there’s no tomorrow!
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Busy this week too!
Put out on January 29, 2006
Tags: geese, sex, Countess-Prelate.
Nothing to write about this week either, dear readers—Pnårp’s still busy screwing the Countess-Prelate and her geese like there’s still no tomorrow! There’ll never be a tomorrow! Woo hoohoo, hoohoo!!
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