Pnårp’s April, 2007 diuretics & calisthenics

The laws of Phillip I: Taxes

Propagated on April 1, 2007

Tags: feet, toes, Alyssa Milano, Britney Spears, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Spice Girls, bouillabaisse, cows, death, dogs, feces, geese, gnomes, hamsters, hogwash, horsefeathers, poppycock, schtupp.

All subjects of the sovereign lord and emperor Phillip I, most supreme monarch and emperor eternal of Bouillabaissia, conquerer of the Hamsters, conqueror of the Horsefeathers, king of Hogwash, supreme autarch of Poppycock, protector of Alyssa Milano’s feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s toes, and all parts of the five Spice Girls, prince of Avia, prince of Hymenoptera, emperor and autocrat of the Raccoons, lord arboreal of the Trees Ficus, grand duke of the Geese and the waters, ruler of the Oaks and Conifer territories, Schmongelslayer, protector and pooperscooper, et cetera, et cetera, shall be required to pay a tax of 87% levied upon all their properties and income, for the following purposes:—

For the upkeep and maintenance of the forty-seven statues of the lord and emperor and his accomplishments, situated around Bouillabaissia, and the four statues of Alyssa Milano, and the three of Jennifer Love Hewitt, and the two of Britney Spears, and the one of each Spice Girl,

For the upkeep and maintenance of the lord and emperor’s palaces, vineyards, halls and chambers, pleasure domes, floors and ceilings, fields, roads and highways, hedges, bushes and shrubbery, barns and stables, duckponds, outhouses and wallowing pits,

For the raising of not less than four-hundred thousand and two gnomes to serve in the lord and emperor’s standing army and to suppress resistance wherever it may exists,

For the raising of not less than sixty-four thousand and one half gnomes to serve in the lord and emperor’s air forces to defend against airborne gnomely incursions,

For the raising of not less than two gnomes, or one man, to serve in the lord and emperor’s navies situated in the duck pond behind the fourth palace,

For the supply, care, and feeding of the high executioner’s poodle flocks,

For the maintenance of the cow-schtupping arena and all related apparatus,

For the acquisition and maintenance of not less than four hundred sacks of horsefeathers, to be requisitioned from the Horsefeather province,

For seven pounds of pepperoni,

And for the funding of the gnomely courts, so they may most effectively and efficiently oppress the lord and emperor’s subjects.

The lord and emperor, understanding that this levy will be a hardship for many of his subjects, therefore raises it to 91% in order to make available sufficient funds to suppress any resistance that may come about as a result of its collection.

The lord and emperor, understanding that this additional levy will be a further hardship for many of his subjects, therefore raises it to 94% in order to make available sufficient funds to suppress any resistance that may come about as a result of its collection.

The lord and emperor, understanding that these levies will be a particular hardship for his subjects the Hogwash and Poppycock provinces, therefore exempts these provinces from any taxes present and future. It is thus decreed that the Horsefeather province shall be taxed at 103% of its wealth as compensation for this exemption. Seven gnomely garrisons will be stationed in Horsefeather in order to ensure the orderly collection of the levy, and it will therefore be increased to 108¾% for no particular reason.

Whosoever fails to pay the levy shall be subjected to a cow-schtupping in the public square, for not less than twenty minutes, whereupon he shall then be fed to a flock of poodles.

Whosoever is unable to pay the levy shall be subjected to a cow-schtupping in the public square, for not less than six hours and twenty minutes, whereupon he shall be hanged by the corneas until three-quarters dead, and then fed to a flock of poodles.

Whosoever pays this levy with no resistance will be subjected to a cow-schtupping forte et dure in the public square, for not less than one full day, from sunup until sundown, whereupon he shall be hanged by a single cornea until seven-ninths dead, then he shall be broken upon a hamster wheel, and fed to a flock of poodles.

Top

The laws of Phillip I: Homage

Legislated on April 8, 2007

Tags: feet, toes, Alyssa Milano, Britney Spears, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Spice Girls, bouillabaisse, cows, death, dogs, feces, geese, gnomes, hamsters, hogwash, horsefeathers, nose, poppycock, sex, schtupp.

Henceforth, subjects of the sovereign lord and emperor Phillip I, more-or-less serene monarch and emperor eternal of Bouillabaissia, conquerer twice of the Hamsters, military governor and despot of the Horsefeathers, king of Hogwash, supreme autarch of Poppycock, protector of Alyssa Milano’s feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s toes, and all parts of the five Spice Girls, autocrat of the Raccoons, lord arboreal of the Trees Ficus, grand duke of the Geese and the near waters, ruler of the southern Conifer territories, Schmongelslayer, protector and pooperscooper, et cetera, shall be required to pay homage to their lord and emperor through the following means:—

The Hamsters shall be required to turn over 50% of their feed pellets and 75% of their woodshavings for the construction of a new statue,

In order to show their gratitude for once more being brought under the sovereign rule of the most serene lord and emperor, the Horsefeathers shall be required to die immediately and without resistance,

The provinces of Hogwash and Poppycock shall be required to do nothing,

The Avia and Hymenoptera shall be required to pledge their eternal loyalty once again (and the lord and emperor really, really means it this time),

All subjects shall be required to perform weekly pilgrimages to all fifty-two statues of the lord and emperor situated throughout his empire, with the exception that the Hamsters shall be required to make daily pilgrimages to each statue,

All subjects shall be required to change their surname to “Årp,”

And the Geese shall be required to provide not less than sixteen concubines per annum for the lord and emperor’s pleasure domes.

Whosoever fails to pay homage to the lord and emperor as is required of him shall be wheedled and needled by the gnomely guards until dead.

Whosoever mocks or derides the lord and emperor’s fifty-seven statues, or the little circle above the A in the lord and emperor’s surname, shall be subjected to a cow-schtupping forte et dure while being hanged by the nose and beaten with sacks of horsefeathers, and he shall have his corneas, fingers and toes turned inside-out.

Whosoever does not worship and venerate the seven statues of Alyssa Milano, six statues of Jennifer Love Hewitt, five statues of Britney Spears, and four statues of each Spice Girl, shall be banished to the poodle pits.

Whosoever worships or venerates the seven statues of Alyssa Milano, six statues of Jennifer Love Hewitt, five statues of Britney Spears, and four statues of each Spice Girl, shall be guilty of infringing upon the sovereign rights of the lord and emperor, and shall be fed to a flock of poodles.

Whosoever among the Horsefeathers who does not die immediately and without resistance shall be killed immediately and without hesitation. The designation of all Horsefeathers as homo sacer shall not be construed to release them from their duty to provide 157% of their properties and income for the lord and emperor.

Top

The laws of Phillip I: Last decree

Decreed on April 15, 2007

Tags: feet, toes, Alyssa Milano, Britney Spears, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Spice Girls, bouillabaisse, cows, death, feces, geese, gnomes, hogwash, poppycock, sex, schtupp, Mister Wilson, Samuel Dreckers.

It is hereby decreed by the sovereign lord and emperor Phillip I, monarch and emperor of Bouillabaissia, king of Hogwash, supreme autarch of Poppycock, protector of Alyssa Milano’s feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s toes, and all parts of the five Spice Girls, Schmongelslayer, protector and pooperscooper, that the Empire of Bouillabaissia is hereby abolished and dissolved.

The title of “pooperscooper” is hereby returned Samuel Dreckers and shall henceforth belong to him exclusively,

Jennifer Love Hewitt Lane is hereby renamed to Witherspoonworth Lane,

Spice Girls Drive is hereby renamed to Frummwich Drive,

Britney Spears Circuit is hereby renamed to Apple-Latchier Circuit,

The Alyssa Milano Footpath is hereby renamed to Bouillabaisse Boulevard,

The province of Hogwash is hereby dissolved, and the territories reincorporated into Mr. Van Der Woobie’s front lawn,

The province of Poppycock is hereby dissolved, and the territories reincorporated into Mrs. Farnston’s poppy garden,

The forty-seven geese kept in the Third Pleasure Dome are hereby released and returned to the Goldfarb Avenue Zoo,

The remaining geese kept in the First and Second Pleasure Dome are hereby squirreled away for later,

The moat surrounding the First Imperial Palace is hereby ordered to be devolved to its original purpose as a sewer,

The Second Imperial Palace is hereby devolved to its original purpose as an outhouse,

The Third Imperial Palace is hereby devolved to its original purpose as a bus stop,

The remaining palaces are hereby devolved to their original purposes as cardboard boxes,

The Imperial Catacombs are hereby devolved to their original purpose as a septic tank,

The remaining four-hundred and six imperial buildings are hereby also devolved to their original purposes and owners,

All one-hundred and seventeen statues shall be moved from their current location into the basement of 229B Bouillabaisse Boulevard,

Mr. Wilson is ordered to immediately return to his property and resume his employment at the cat-canning plant, on pain of death by cow-schtupping.

All 237,896,548,129,435 gnomes comprising the lord and emperor’s armies, air forces, navies, and marines, are hereby ordered to return to their underground caverns at once, on pain of death by booty-bumping.

Top

Sleeping in the closet

Lamented on April 22, 2007

Tags: feet, toes, Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Spice Girls, bouillabaisse, gnomes, hogwash, poppycock, pwee.

I, Phillip Norbert Årp, reigning as Phillip I, former monarch and emperor of Bouillabaissia, ex-king of Hogwash, former autarch of Poppycock having abdicated, protector of Alyssa Milano’s feet, Jennifer Love Hewitt’s toes, and each and every part of the five Spice Girls, Schmongelslayer, hereby resign from all positions of authority.

…And that, dear readers, is my cue to hide in the closet and cry myself to sleep. Pwee, pwee, pwee-wee-wee…

Top

Toe visiages on the sefernday

Splayed on April 29, 2007

Tags: feet, toes, Alyssa Milano, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Spice Girls, Carpathian Mountains, corn, dogs.

Dreaming of farnmorthed burfnagle dancing upon goonflayvins all the while sleepcrying myself to splatz in my closet—grumptuously, with visiables of Alyssa Milano’s enlubrinated, snupple feet and whide-splayed toes grancing before my stiffened rodcoat, I plasmodically spasmed and chasmiated frenticularly close to the grungelbird pables before I renticuled the bark-favers enfliverously.

Flabblingly, frabjously, I asnook enjuiced and contributated. Yet then I snarfed upon those wide-splayed toes as they bressed deep into my gregacious parndexter birdie-hoohas ytterbiously—endaciously, and carpaciously, I might nultiply—with mites and groats and toads and all that bodes swell, for alas foads dwell upon the little scramptuous toes of Alyssa’s slilken, fenduptuous feet and sholes. And oh, how her dreaminous sweet feet and sholes do blease yours truly.

“Enfliverously?” Yappie, my gaithful yapping hound, asked me as I plondered and scromped among the toe-visiages. I estoppeled to ponder a moment, equally enfliverious to my philious conditiatory.

“Incarpathianably! And how!” I blabbled, gabbling and gobbling as I tater-totted a twelve-year-old and inflailed her snupple feet energasmically. (Alyssa’s, not the twelve-year-old’s.)

Borthward, how I might have dooseldorfed snorglously had I bown the snargforkens. With forftaven and carnax boggies I snuppled fornicaciously, sexiously, with my enfliverstick aquiver and stiffer than a littul mitten worn by a kitton.

…And then it snarglefaked upon my dostles: Jennifer Love Hewitt’s sweet feet were ten times the felectable prize that Alyssa’s incourted to be. And naturalistically, the Spice Girls’ feet meat couldn’t be beat. Upon barrels of cornjax and sprongly birds I plondered this further, forther, and farther, with much more ytterbious and polonious felonry.

Proximationly I shall encontinualize this next sefernday, booble booble boo, amicables and forndoggies.

Top