Pnårp’s May, 2008 cramming & spamming

Do, guppy, guppy!

Guppied on May 4, 2008

Tags: death, gluefish, God, oatmeal cookies, singing spiders.

Do, guppy, guppy! Do, guppy, guppy! Do… guppy, gup!

I flew my gluefish to Bürgerbräukeller, a large beer hall outside of Munich, this week, so they could watch my oatmeal cookies battle it out with the Knights of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg. The battle didn’t last long, the knights slicing and dicing my perfidious cookies into tiny little crumbs, before feeding them to the waiting derbfine and obolus men. The cookies were dead. Long live the cookies.

My fish were, of course, stuck to things, so I had to unstick them. Gluefish. They stick to things. At least screaming spiders, lethally poisonous though they may be, don’t adhere to anything they touch.

Do, duckie, duckie! Do, duckie, duck… Oh, Lord! Not a quack attack! Not now!!

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Quack! Quack! Quack!!

Quackenbushed on May 11, 2008

Quack, quack! Quack, quack! Quack, quaaaccck!

Quaack, quack, quaack, quack!! Quack, quackk!! Quack!! Quaaaack!! Quack, quack, quack, quack!

Quack, quaaacckk! Quaaaack!! Quack, quack!

Quaack, quaaaaaack, quaackkk, quack!!! Quack, quackk!! Quack!! Quaaaack!!

Quaack, quaack, quaack, quack!! Quack, quack! Quack!!

Quaack, quaack, quack!! Quackkk, quack! Quaaackkk!! Quaaaack!! Quack, quack, quack, quack!

Quaaaccck!!!

Quuuaaaccck!!!

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eBGIQ7ZuuiU or bust

Gassed up on May 18, 2008

Tags: Alyssa Milano, AK-47, buttocks, feces, nose, pwee, rat-fighting contest, sex, Loquisha, Ravna Olegg-Thorssondóttir.

Late Monday afternoon, I happened upon the eBGIQ7ZuuiU website again, entirely by chance. Becoming enraged, frothing at the mouth, I rampaged around my cubbyhole like a bull dyke in a china shop, smashing everything in site. Why did everything lead me back to the eBGIQ7ZuuiU website? Why, why, why!? Smash! Smash and crash! Destroy them, destroy them all! eBGIQ7ZuuiU is everywhere! Everyone keeps tricking me into going to eBGIQ7ZuuiU! Smash, crash, and splash! I threw my computer into my bathtub.

It stopped working.

On Tuesday, I took a trip down to the computering store in order to acquire a new computer, by deception or force if need be. My car having run out of gas sixteen miles from home last week, I had to hijack a bus in order to get there. What with gasoline costing nearly twice as much as a two-dollar whore, what choice did I have? I dove in—straight in.

On the way home, dainty new computer in hand, I decided to stop by Loquisha’s place and see how she was doing with her video business. When I got there, she smiled and asked me to “give it” to her—but it would cost me. What with this whore costing less than half a gallon of gasoline, what choice did I have? I dove in—straight in.

Woo-hoo hey! This was fun!

This would be bigger than when Rudolf Slánský took that trip to southern Moravia!

This would be bigger than if Sicily decided to hold their famed rat-fighting contests again!

This was even better than having a cardboard cutout of Alyssa Milano to “give it” to!

Woo-hoo hey! Pwee, pwee, pwaaay!

No one expects the wargs! No one!

I dove in deeper, then came up for air…

…then dove in again, breaking only to insert another <p> tag where needed…

…then came up for air again…

…before she nearly suffocated me under her ponderously large bubble butt.

That was fun! Again!!

At yoda o’clock on Wednesday, Ravna came by to see me so she could punch me in the face. I was shocked and appalled, but took it in stride, nonplussed. At half past yoda, I paid a visit to Loquisha again with the intention of punching her in the face (or hitting her somewhere else, with something else of mine!), but instead, she slapped me on the nose before I got the chance. Even more shocked and appalled, but still nonplussed, I nonchalantly sauntered over to Mr. Wilson’s house, busted his door down, and beat him over the head with my roof-mounted AK-47. I then burgled all his potted plants, left my calling card—an unflushed toilet—and wandered home.

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Ring above?

Rung above on May 25, 2008

Tags: pincer monkeys, singing spiders, stumblebums, tadpoles.

Fun fact: According to my new computer—rather, according to the computering experts hiding in my new computer that give me all sorts of useful advice—the Å in my name (Pnårp, you idiot!) is properly called a Latin capital letter A with ring above. I don’t know why these “unicody” guys have to scream it like that, but there it is.

I spent the rest of the day singing along with them about the merits of SGML and AJAX. (No spiders.)

Later in the week (I forget what day—it’s difficult to remember when you’re traveling at the speed of light and so high on LSD that you think there are pincer monkeys climbing out from under your cuticles!), I paid a visit to the famous On/Off Star. She was hiding out near Jupiter this week, burning away variably, as usual. Historians of the twenty-fifth century looked back on it and saw how the Prussians had taken over without a hitch.

sin(x) + cos(x) = a whole lot of sin!

Or, so they say in Chittagong, where I cranched up a mathematics textbook and cifrected my old friend, Ol’ Bummie, keeper of the stumblebum stables back in my home town. Why he was in Chittagong, chittering away with a chitmouse, I don’t know. But then again, a lot of things seem to happen to me that I can’t explain. Like, remember that time that I was attacked by a colony of murderous tadpoles? That made no sense—but that didn’t stop it from happening! No, sir!

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